There are the days where I can’t yet relate, but can’t wait to. To be a mommy. The smooshy kisses, cute faces, innocence and laughter, chubby toes… My love is endless and I want to pass it on to a little being. I want to love someone with all my heart, someone that has my button nose and Gavin’s deep blue eyes. My easy going nature and Gavin’s determination. Those are the days I see a woman rubbing her belly, oblivious to anything other than the swoosh over her stomach as the baby moves inside. I want to be her, I think. Those are the days I feel ready. And I wonder, sometimes, if the baby gods are sending me signs? When you start to look for them, you see them everywhere. Strollers, advertisements, buddah belly’s, and missed periods. If it happened, it would be ok. It would be more than ok. But it hasn’t, not yet…
Then there are the days where I come home from work, tired after a long day. I go and nap, because I can. I drink a glass or two of wine for with dinner, because I can. I watch re-runs of Sex & the City, because I can. And I go to bed, early or late, it doesn’t matter, because I can.
And I wonder, knowing that when the babies come, how much ‘can’ will be left in my left? How prepared am I to be without my freedom, my passions, my enjoyment of the day-to-day life? Am I ready to give up ME yet?
No doubt about it, when I am ready, I will. I will miss the wine, miss the free-time, miss the cooking-all-afternoon just because I can… but not yet.