While I was looking the other way…

Torn July 24, 2009

Filed under: Deep Thoughts — sarindipity @ 5:16 am

There are the days where I can’t yet relate, but can’t wait to.  To be a mommy.  The smooshy kisses, cute faces, innocence and laughter, chubby toes…  My love is endless and I want to pass it on to a little being.  I want to love someone with all my heart, someone that has my button nose and Gavin’s deep blue eyes.  My easy going nature and Gavin’s determination.  Those are the days I see a woman rubbing her belly, oblivious to anything other than the swoosh over her stomach as the baby moves inside.  I want to be her, I think.  Those are the days I feel ready.  And I wonder, sometimes, if the baby gods are sending me signs?  When you start to look for them, you see them everywhere.  Strollers, advertisements, buddah belly’s, and missed periods.  If it happened, it would be ok.  It would be more than ok.  But it hasn’t, not yet…

Then there are the days where I come home from work, tired after a long day.  I go and nap, because I can.  I drink a glass or two of wine for with dinner, because I can.  I watch re-runs of Sex & the City, because I can.  And I go to bed, early or late, it doesn’t matter, because I can.

And I wonder, knowing that when the babies come, how much ‘can’ will be left in my left?  How prepared am I to be without my freedom, my passions, my enjoyment of the day-to-day life?  Am I ready to give up ME yet?

No doubt about it, when I am ready, I will.  I will miss the wine, miss the free-time, miss the cooking-all-afternoon just because I can… but not yet.


Gratitude July 10, 2009

Filed under: Deep Thoughts — sarindipity @ 4:05 am

A little while ago I opened up my journal to reminisce about the past couple years… instead of finding words of love, memories of happiness, moments captured in time through my words, what I found was this:

Nag, nag, nag

Complain, complain, complain

Bitch, bitch, bitch

Moan, moan, moan

Shock.  Had I really only written whenever I was upset somehow?  It’s true, I used and abused my journal to relieve my feelings of anger, sadness and outright madness.  This was like a slap to my face.  I felt like I had erased all the good memories of the past couple years – family and friends, births, marriages, camping trips, traveling… Here I was, recording my extreme thoughts and memories, and none of them were good.  Then and there, I decided that needed to change.  Much like photography where you wouldn’t keep a bad photograph, I don’t want to record each and every time I am pissed off at someone/something.  While it is hard at times to resist writing when I’m feeling angry or sad, it is a joy to be able to read old entries that take me back to the good times, moments and feelings I have experienced.

Truly, gratitude unlocks the fullness of life.  Let us never forget to be grateful for what we have.